Jokes for the day !

**Deepwater** · 07-01-2008, 10:27 AM

Post your daily jokes here

In the Confession Box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
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Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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Rules Of Washington D.C.

- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

- Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

- There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.

- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

- Chicken little only has to be right once.

- "NO" is only an interim response.

- You can't kill a bad idea.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

- The truth is a variable.

- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

- You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

- A promise is not a guarantee.

- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

**Deepwater** · 07-01-2008, 10:29 AM

Technician at the Firing Range

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

**Deepwater** · 07-01-2008, 10:29 AM

College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

**Deepwater** · 07-01-2008, 10:29 AM

Getting Used to It

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

gsago1979 · 07-01-2008, 11:38 AM

Bar Joke:

Three men walk into a bar, which is pretty histarical because after the first guy walked into it you would think the next two might have ducked...

sadielynn · 07-13-2008, 05:08 PM

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given
in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all
rational thought to control orderly bodily movements , blindly rising at a
violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked
me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got
your tongue?"If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Answer because it is too funny not to

Hope your week is better than his!
I found this on another board and found it down right halirous ! Tho I never had a call like that one the response would have been much the same

_________________
sadielynn

ItalianSausage · 07-14-2008, 03:52 PM

hahahahahaha you guys are so funny as funny as a rubber cruch

**Deepwater** · 07-15-2008, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItalianSausage

hahahahahaha you guys are so funny as funny as a rubber cruch

Snausages

**Deepwater** · 07-19-2008, 09:11 AM

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.

'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .

'HEBREWS'

**Deepwater** · 07-19-2008, 09:12 AM

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

**Deepwater** · 07-19-2008, 09:12 AM

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

**Deepwater** · 07-19-2008, 09:15 AM

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

Salesbig · 09-03-2008, 09:56 PM

Wish I could think so quickly...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

Jackson6745 · 09-03-2008, 10:03 PM

Chong · 09-03-2008, 10:46 PM

Funny jokes ronen lol

Have you heard about the new medication doctors are giving to depressed lesbians? Its called trydicagain.

BioCuber · 09-04-2008, 01:59 PM

*A man goes to the market and walks by a fruit stand,
he reads the sign and looks at the vendors fruits but all he sees are peaches.
So he walks up to the vendor and asks him how come your sign says fruits but all your selling is peaches
*the vendor replies well that is because i have a peach that tastes like anything you want,
*confused the man says i bet you dont have a peach that tastes like peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
*the vendor picks a few peaches and smells them and after he finds the right one he hands it to the man,
*the man takes a bite ans says

it tastes like jelly
*the vendor quickly says flip it over and so the man takes a bite of the other side and was amazed...
*The man again says to the vendor, i bet you dont have one that tastes like booty, and again the vendor picks up a few peaches and after he goes through a few he picks the right one and hands it to the man,
*the man says

this tastes like crap, the vendor quicky says flip it over.

**Deepwater** · 09-04-2008, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BioCuber

*A man goes to the market and walks by a fruit stand,
he reads the sign and looks at the vendors fruits but all he sees are peaches.
So he walks up to the vendor and asks him how come your sign says fruits but all your selling is peaches
*the vendor replies well that is because i have a peach that tastes like anything you want,
*confused the man says i bet you dont have a peach that tastes like peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
*the vendor picks a few peaches and smells them and after he finds the right one he hands it to the man,
*the man takes a bite ans says

it tastes like jelly
*the vendor quickly says flip it over and so the man takes a bite of the other side and was amazed...
*The man again says to the vendor, i bet you dont have one that tastes like booty, and again the vendor picks up a few peaches and after he goes through a few he picks the right one and hands it to the man,
*the man says

this tastes like crap, the vendor quicky says flip it over.